I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
