I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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