Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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