you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
