if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
