If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
