her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
