thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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