I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
