worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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