So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
