I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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