Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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