Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
