I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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