you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
