You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
