i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Semen is not good for contacts.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
