Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
