There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
