census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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