As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My life is pants optional.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
