We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
