Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
