I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Couch. On fire.
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