According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
