haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
