Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
