So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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