hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
