whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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