I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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