Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
