My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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