i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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