Joe is yelling at the trees again.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
