All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
