After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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