as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
