She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
