You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
