I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
