When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
