it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
