my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
honey bunches of taint.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
