dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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