at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
