Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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