Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
