I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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