Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
