There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize