i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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