Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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