dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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