I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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