You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
