the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
