Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize