True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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