I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
